Maternal Lamentations

We are all still standing

2010-12-19T20:14:00.000-08:00

December 19, 2010
Another year passed. Progress is slow and steady. All is well. Finding the value in life again.

August 12, 2009

2009-08-12T16:57:00.000-07:00

All is well. It has been 8 months since I have posted a blog. I had to let things work themselves out, and they are working themselves out indeed.

B is learning to deal with his addiction issues. He has learned so much! He is healthy and concerned about his health now, which is wonderful.

My R visited us in March, then returned to Japan to start his PhD program at Tokyo U. He seems very happy. Time is marching on, and it is ok. Obama is our new president, I am soooo glad!!

That is it for now.

December's goal

2008-12-09T07:03:00.000-08:00

December's goal=a sweet Christmas

B will be out of jail on Dec 21, R will be happy in Japan with his girlfriend. We are all healthy, learning, and growning. Life is an amazing journey. Sweetness is easily accomplished.

My hubby just gave me a CD of Hatchig Kazarian's "Armenia, Armenia." We will dance to centuries old music and be comforted.

It is all in the MIND

2008-12-09T06:56:00.000-08:00

It is not in the body,
not in the clothes,
not in the recipies,
not in the books,
not in the TV,
nope, all in the MIND

So, again, I must readjust my thinking, and hold fast to what is true. The MIND. As my son told me while in jail, Freedom is a state of MIND. He gets this, that is a very good thing.

Christmas Is Upon Us

2008-12-08T13:40:00.000-08:00

Well, here we all are. A year later. Christmas is upon us again.

Another new year full of new hope.

We shall see.

A failed UA for weed, back in jail for 30 days.

Maybe this time.

Maybe this time.

It's only weed, right???

Progression not perfection. . .

2008-11-29T13:12:00.000-08:00

I was moved by the comment all the way from Japan today. It is from one of the "mothers" in Japan that knows my son Ryan. Yes, the mother is the heart of the home. Thank you for your comment.

We have had a little set back, but I am confident that things are better and will continue to be better. My son is working so hard towards his sobriety and educating himself on the subject. His dream is to visit his brother in Japan one day, I hope this dream comes true for him.

This affects so many families it is unbelieveable. We are all connected.

Chandler Valley Hope gives us HOPE

2008-10-31T13:22:00.000-07:00

"It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure."

Joseph Campbell

My son just finished CVH. Good program. We are full of hope and focused on now and the future. A commom toast in Armenian is -genatz-which means "it is in the past." Sort of like, get over it and move on. The Armenians certainly know how to do that. Hopefully this is in my son's blood and he will navigate himself to a better life.

Books he suggests. . The Tao of Sobriety, The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure, The I Ching, Good Brain Made Great, Tao Te Ching.

Mid October, All is What it IS!

2008-10-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

Too much has happened to write about. I am thinking of submitting my short story, Making Blankets, to a Reader's Digest competition. A friend of mine told me about it, so I think I will.

I have another idea for a short story, title being, If You Only Knew. . . Actually a male friend of mine came up with that title. I was visiting him on the front lawn of his house and as a neighbor drove by he exclaimed, "If You Only Knew." He was referring to his own situation with his son's drug addiction and how all may look ok on the outside of their house, but in reality the inside was unbearable.

So, another tale to tell. I have decided that all writers must be filled with pain to be able to write. Yet the writing itself is sometimes painful to recap all those memories, situations, etc.

I do believe in holding on to a hopeful thought though. A miracle in the midst of it all. A light in the dark. A reason for it all, or at least the belief that something good will come from it all.

New Book by Dr. Prentiss

2008-09-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

I highly recommend the book, Alcoholism and Addiction Cure by Dr. Prentiss. My son read it in two days and said it was the best gift we had ever given him. I am reading it now and it is very, very interesting. It leaves you hopeful-which is essential.

Now my son asked for the I Ching book. I guess Prentiss does an adaptation of the original I Ching-using the Chinese name Wu Wei, so we shall see. This is my son that has not read a book for probably 10 years, and now he is breezing through these. I am greatful.

Just because he said so. . . . .

2008-09-05T06:52:00.000-07:00

My son in Japan said not to quite the blogging. So here I am. Today I am going with my mother and sister to a bed and breakfast in Payson. Should be a nice little retreat.

We have had some rough times around here, I meditate on the serenity prayer a lot-it helps. I will post an update soon tho, things are slowly working out. I cannot write about all of it yet.

Thursday is another court date, all is calm, we shall see.

My last entry

2008-08-21T12:05:00.001-07:00

Don't want to do this anymore.

Funny how this helps . . . .

2008-08-14T12:38:00.000-07:00

TO: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE This is God.

Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you.

P.S. And, remember... If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now. Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know! Now, you have a nice day.

God

God! has seen you struggling, God says it's over. A blessing is coming your way.

Men as Comforters . . .

2008-08-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Russian Princess,....in regards to your sons comment, "men are not programmed to be comforters and it is the fault of the women's movement".Men go out and seek "comforters". This is what has been "programmed" in the male species. From a baby, to a young man, to the husband. The male species crave attention, and soothing comfort from a mom, and then his wife. What needs to be recognized here, is that, "IT IS O. K." Feelings are not a weakness. From animals to humans, we all create comfort feelings, and give comfort feelings. This is one of God's greatest gift he has bestowed on living creators.That's it,your favorite "blonde"

Who feels that way?

2008-08-09T15:39:00.000-07:00

I learned recently that instead of asking yourself why you feel a certain way, you should ask yourself who feels that way? This is an attempt to learn how to step out of yourself and become an observer in your own life. In doing this the emotion is removed and one can choose not to react adversly in a given situation. Very Zen like, very Tao Te Ching like. By the way, if you have not read Tao Te Ching please do so.

To think I will turn 55 years old in 11 days and I am just now learning to be an observer in my own life. Better late than never. Understand others and you are wise, understand yourself and you are enlightened.

Things are moving along rather nicely. The Olympics will now entertain all of us for the next 2 weeks. Via Con Dios.

MY son, my son

2008-08-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

My son commented on Just Another Day that men are not programmed to be comforters and it is the fault of the women's movement that we expect such ridiculous things from them. Perfect, now I understand - after all I have lived with all males the past 32 years of my life.

How funny life is! I am sitting here writing this while George (my computerized vacume disk) vacumes the living room. I feel like Mrs. Jetson.

having a tough day

2008-07-30T13:49:00.000-07:00

I just realized how self absorbing a blog really is-oh well. Just read the comment on the last entry from my dear friend, what a time it was.

Not feeling well today. Summer cold, sore throat, etc. I never get sick, I am convinced I have made myself sick. That is all for now, the saga continues. I must keep the faith and know that something is always working itself out, whether I am involved or not! In fact, it all works better when I am not involved. Tomorrow I am going to volunteer at the Democratic Headquarters here! Yes!

It's Just Another Day, It's Just Another Day. . . . .

2008-07-24T07:56:00.000-07:00

Moving along. I ordered a meal off the senior citizen breakfast at Ihop the other day. I am not even 55 yet, only 54 (I will be 55 in exactly one month). How come they didn't ask me for proof of 55, is it all the stress that makes me look one month older than I am? It must be.

I really am ok, it is just my husband's take on the whole thing. He is not a comforter-never has been, never will be. He likes to be comforted, just can't comfort. So I get comfort from my dog and cat. I love Obama.

Disjointed thoughts, sign of high intelligence. I am here.

I Am Taking Dad to Breakfast Because All of His Friends Are Dead

2008-07-14T19:44:00.001-07:00

Dad called the other day and said he would like me to take him out for breakfast on Saturday because all of his friends were dead. I replied, “Come on Dad, no they are not. What about Jack, he lives right in your complex and you just had breakfast with him last week.” Well, that was it, Jack died and I didn’t even know it. Jack was about 15 years older than Dad-who is 80 years old.

“Dad, what about Al?” “He is dead too, died after losing that last $1,100 at the casino a month ago, so I never had to pay him back the $1,000 I owed him.” Dad has been a gambler his whole life. He was a business man, owned his own carpet store for 50 years-Home Means More With Carpet On The Floor-Carpetland. Growing up we were always provided for, Dad could gamble with the best of them, but always knew when to stop-we never ended up in the gutter. In fact, he even sent me to college at my request and threw money at me anytime I wanted. He learned at an early age that you always paid your gambling debts or you would end up with cement on your feet at the bottom of Niagara River. I remember Dad leaving for work one day in the Lincoln Continental, and coming home at midnight in an old beat up jeep. He lost the Lincoln in a poker game.

To this day I still have jewelry, art work, and antiques that were all won in poker games. I have never had any of it appraised as I am sure it was “Hot” and I would be arrested if anyone knew I had it. Oh well, but Dad is so much more than a business man and a gambler, he is crazy.

A few months ago Dad called me from his condo and said he was going to shoot the painters because they were pulling out his plants to paint the walls. I pleaded with him to go back inside his condo and behave himself. Luckily for us his neighbors are quite used to him and they didn’t overreact. By the time the police came he was calmly sitting in his living room watching CNN and complaining about the Jews and Israel.

His grandchildren call him Grandpa Cigar due to the fact that up until his cancer diagnosis he always had a cigar in his mouth. Dad was stationed in Japan after the war while in the army-so he has VA benefits. Thanks to the VA hospital in Phoenix, he survived lung cancer. He only has one lung now and the doctor said he would only live 3 to 5 more years. We are on year 7! My husband says the good news is he survived; the bad news is he is still surviving.

I could go on and on, I could fill volumes with his shenanigans over the years. Instead I will just pick him up and take him to Ihop for breakfast. He will order his pancakes with strawberries, one egg over easy and one egg up side down, well done bacon and black coffee. Then he will tell me about all the juicing he has been doing and the price of bananas, blueberries, and ice cream. He will tell the waitress how lucky he is to have 3 beautiful children (now 50, 54, and 58). He will embarrass the people that sit down next to us, and start complaining about George W. Bush. Another Saturday with Dad.

Next Short Story-

2008-07-12T12:17:00.001-07:00

Should I do a sequel to Making Blankets? Let me know what you think.

Or, should I write a short story to the title, "I am Taking Dad to Breakfast Because All of His Friends Are Dead."

July 12, 2008

2008-07-12T08:13:00.000-07:00

No Comment. Keep the faith.

Living With Those Who See Things Differently

2008-07-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

Rev. Ted Czukor

We all share the same planet. But we do not share the same reality.

We form friendships, churches and political action committees with those who see reality the same way we do. But a vast number of beings-human and animal-were raised under conditions that we have never experienced. As a result, their whole perception of life is different.

To make it more confusing, those conditions are not always physical. Our own sibling, spouse, parent or child may come to live in a mental evironment that bears no resemblance to anything in our own memory or awareness. It may be totally beyond our ability to understand how this could have happened.

We may never agree with thier attitudes, predilections or beliefs. But we must, at the very least, offer them respect as fellow travelers on this strange plane of existence.

If we cannot accept anything else about them, it is vital that we understand one thing:

Their reality is just as real to them as our reality is to us.

2008-06-27T20:01:00.000-07:00

I cannot stress the positive impact that Dr. Amen's info has had on our family.

Subject: Brain In The News: Changing Brains Means Changing Lives
From: newsletter@amenclinics.com

'Brain in the News' is a weekly commentary on how brain science relates to the news. The brain is involved in everything we do. Wherever there are human stories the brain is involved. From the impact of war and natural disasters on the brain to drug abuse scandals to courtroom dramas to politics the brain is in the news, and you can read about it here.
Changing Brains Means Changing Lives
One of the most gratifying parts of our work at the Amen Clinics is hearing the stories of changed lives. We have hundreds of personal testimonies on file, many of them can be viewed by following this link - http://amenclinic.com/ac/testimonials.php. We also recently received an e-mail from a viewer of my PBS Television special - Change Your Brain, Change Your Life. E-mails like this mean so much to all of us associated with the clinics and TV program...
'I used meth daily for 12 yrs & tobacco for 25 yrs. I saw your program, knew I didn’t want that brain and threw all my dope and cigarettes out. I thought it would be hell, but with Omega-3 supplements and the foods suggested in your program, it wasn’t that bad. This was on June 06, 2008 @ 10:18pm. You helped me turn my life around!!! Thank you!!!'
Wow! Changing brains means changing lives! I've seen it happen for over 25 years and I still get excited about it. Another thing I'm excited about is the addition of a fine physician to the Amen Clinic staff in Tacoma, Washington, Dr. Vern Cherewatenko. Dr. Cherewatenko is a nationally recognized expert in the field of stress and how it affects the brain and body.
A recent study showed a stress-activated molecule may underlie many of the symptoms of some mental illnesses. We control our behaviors, thoughts, and emotions via an important part of the brain: the prefrontal cortex. People with injuries to this part of the brain become impulsive, distractible, and have poor judgment. Major damage to the prefrontal cortex can cause thought disorders and hallucinations. These symptoms are also seen in people with bipolar disorder and with schizophrenia. All of these mental illnesses worsen with stress.
This study highlights the need for regular stress management techniques, such as meditation, relaxation, guided imagery and diaphragmatic breathing. Simple techniques can have a real and lasting positive impact on brain health.
Dr Cherewatenko and I recently recorded a CD titled 'Effective Tools for Calming Stress'. On this audio program we discuss the effects of stress on the body, mind and spirit. Stress hurts our bodies, including our brains, and managing it seems more difficult than ever. We give practical and proven tools to help calm stress and live happier, more peaceful lives ... you can find it at our online store, www.mindworkspress.com.
To your brain health,
Daniel
Daniel Amen, M.D.
CEO, Amen Clinics, Inc.
Distinguished Fellow, American Psychiatric Association

Dr. Amen's Blog - Recent Articles

Love Hormone Helps Overcome Shyness
Pot Damages the Brain
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ADD At Work

Sunday June 22

2008-06-22T15:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I watched the You Tube presentation of Jill Bolte Taylor, who wrote My Stroke of Insight. So very, very interesting. She is a neuroscientist (mentioned on my blog earlier) that had a stroke at age 38. She describes the function of the human brain and how and why we are how we are. An absolute must see for anyone trying to understand anything, very uplifting too. Only about 20 minutes long, so very worthwhile.

Response from a very dear friend. . . .

2008-06-19T16:01:00.000-07:00

Dear J. Margaret, Read your story.  I knew parts of it but not all of it. 
You know me, a friend who enjoyed sharing trips to the local fabric store and
helping each other with sewing projects years ago.  The only part of your story
I did not like was when you said you need to forgive yourself for the enabling
you did out of pure love for your son Tim. I believe the bond between a
mother and child is something so strong and the love so unconditional that nothing
a Mom does in effort to help need be forgiven. Your friend, N

One day at a time. . .

2008-06-18T16:19:00.000-07:00

I cannot express in words how much the Alanon book, One Day at a Time has helped me stay centered and in the moment. I highly recommend it to anyone with children, a spouse, family or friends that have an addiction (any kind, drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.).

We did not cause it, we cannot control it, we cannot cure it-but we do contribute to it in many ways without realizing it. Once I stopped contributing, things started getting much better. Things are soooooo much better and healthier for all involved here than they were just 1 year ago. Do not give up, there is always hope.

Response from a friend of a friend. . .

2008-06-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "MAKING BLANKETS by J. Margaret (names have ...":

I read your story and it is me to a T. I am going through and have been going through this for the last 5 years with my son. He has been to Jail, treatment centers, bail, etc. He is facing a possiblility of very serious prison time with an upcoming trial. The usual story, wrong place, wrong time, yada yada, yada. I am out financialy ($250K), mentally, physically and emotionally beat down, but the outside looks perfect. Who am I really fooling...... I finally am seeking help for myself, but still continue to help my son and will until the trial is over in the next year. I have limited what I do and know I am enabling him, but afraid to completely let go. I WILL though whatever the outcome for him, not enable him in the future after the trial. Until them, I turn to my freinds, therapists and family for help. I feel for you and really am taking your words to heart.
Thank you for sharing.

Earthquake in Japan

2008-06-16T21:33:00.000-07:00

There was a 7.2 earthquake in Japan. Just heard from my son and it was in his girlfriends hometown. None of her family was hurt tho-scary stuff. Even when you think everything is fine, there is always that space in your mind that is a bit fearful for your children's well-being. Being a person of faith really helps in that area, can't imagine life without it.

My family doctor told me some time ago that all the AA meetings in the world would not help an addict if the underlying problem is a chemical imbalance in the brain. But how many people really have perfectly balanced brains? Don't you just learn to compensate for it in different ways. The trouble is finding one's way thru all of that, the doctors, the perscriptions, the theories, etc. I think in the end you follow your gut feelings. My mother says as we grow older we just become more of ourselves. She said, "however we are is how we are going to be the rest of our lives, so you had better get used to it."

Just watched the movie, Numb. Very appropriate for this day and age. It is sort of a black comedy with a good ending.

Father's Day Message in a Card

2008-06-15T17:02:00.000-07:00

To a father who never gave up on me.
To a father who always saw potential even when I didn't.
To a father who told me I can do whatever I want, just give it 100%.
To a father who always loved my mother.
To you, a man, I will always look up to.
Love, your son

Our son's words inside his dad's Father's Day card. (And yes, I asked his permission before putting it on my blog.)

Life is good.

New comment left on "Notice any moms . . . .

2008-06-11T09:58:00.000-07:00

Check out the comment-very informative. Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor's book, My Stroke of Insight.

Someone comment on something!

2008-06-10T18:13:00.001-07:00

It was a very good day!

2008-06-10T18:02:00.000-07:00

Talked to my sweet mother today-she said, "Hate the addiction, love our boy." She is absolutely right. Had a good week-making progress. Now we are all trying to get our sense of humor back. Life is so precious, I cannot waste anymore time worrying-it does no one any good. I have to stay in that greatful slice of a place in my mind.

I emailed my son in Tokyo today asking him to post some pictures of him and his brother on my blog. Let's see if he helps me.

My dear friend, who lost her son a few years ago, said to me, "I wasted so much time worrying about his future and how he was going to support himself." Wow, I think of that often.

Check out the movie, Sex and the City, you will get your sense of humor back and be interested in fashion again-take your mom with you if you can!

We are all in this together

2008-06-06T12:18:00.000-07:00

This is a request to any mom that may read my blog, please post your comment or reaction to the stuff you read. You may even do it anonymously, I don't care. I just know that each one of us has information that can bring hope and direction, but we will not know about it if you don't say anything.

This blog is also like Las Vegas, what you read and see here stays here! Thanks

Serenity Prayer

2008-06-05T20:17:00.000-07:00

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

The wisdom is the part I struggle with!

response from my college roommate

2008-06-04T21:28:00.000-07:00

Well, as the saying goes,"been there, done that". I do not mean to sound so flip about it.

But now, I am starting to see how the parent needs to "stop, and back away". You are not helping, and will never help your child by stepping in, and taking over. The help you are giving, is hurting your child.

Love your child, love your child soo much that you let them suffer their own consequence. Love your son or daughter so much, that if you have to swear out a warrant for their arrest to get them medical help, do it!

When the state trooper put hand cuffs on my son,,, I new I was going to hell and die for hurting him. The look in his eyes.......it left me hating myself, sick in my heart.

After the psych wards, the on and off medications, the year of pure hell for my son, we both still made it through.

Why doesn't anyone every write about, you have done the "right thing".

Where is the "verification, 100%, yes, absolutely you did the right thing", assurance you did the right thing for your child? It will never come.

I am one of the lucky moms. Two years after Ellis went through all the suffering, pain, and humiliation, he was taking care and became responsible for himself.

On my birthday that next year, I received mail from Ellis. He had finished his degree, and was working at Disney World as a culinary chef. The last part of his letter said, "Mom, guess where I'm working? "Magic Kingdom", anyway's, I love you, and want you to know I wouldn't be here without you and your guidance. Thanks for everything, Love You! S.Ellis xxoo

I have been blessed by God for my four beautiful and brilliant sons.

Thank you God for your guidance. Thanks for everything, Love You. sar

2008-06-03T21:54:00.000-07:00

NOTICE!

Any moms out there have children that have any mental disorders/addictions? Check out Dr. Daniel Amen. He did a PBS special that is wonderful called Change Your Brain, Change Your Life.
Very valuable information about healing a brain that has been damaged by substance abuse, illness, etc.

2008-06-02T19:37:00.000-07:00

JUNE 2, 2008

Hold me in your prayers
I am a mother
Elighten me with wisdom
I am a mother
Fill me with patience
I am a mother
Bless me with faith
I am a mother
Judge me not too harshly
I am a mother
Release the guilt from me
I am a mother
Recognize my unconditional love
I am a mother
Forgive me my wrongs
I am a mother
Most of all---find your way without me
I am your mother

The end of March 2008

2008-03-31T09:09:00.000-07:00

The last day of March is here. It is ending on a good note. One day at a time, easy does it, one thing at a time, let it be. Be Here Now.

2008-03-28T19:38:00.000-07:00

2008-03-23T14:28:00.000-07:00

Ryan, in case you check my blog, all my emails to your hotmail account have been returned. What is going on? mom

2008-03-21T11:52:00.000-07:00

It is Good Friday. Easter 2008 is upon us. Things have been looking up. The son with the addiction problem is doing better. Going to drug court meetings, very intensive program to help educate them on their unique problem. Also got a job with a very reputable company yesterday and they know all about his background.

Yesterday my son gave me a new name, he called me a helpaholic. Very imaginative and accurate. The way I solve problems seems so logical to me, that I want to help anyone that does not problem solve the same way I do-bad, bad, bad.

How do I get other mother's to check out my blog? This is all new to me.

2008-02-27T11:46:00.001-08:00

Do any mothers out there have children addicted to oxycoton? Do you know about soboxone therapy?

2008-02-27T11:40:00.000-08:00

MAKING BLANKETS

J. Margaret

(names have been changed to protect identity)

I gave birth to two sons, 3 years apart. They are and forever will be the “loves” of my life. They are both physically beautiful, smart, talented and compassionate men. I would do anything and everything for them. Herein lies my story, my fall from grace as a wise mother. This is where the blankets come in, listen closely moms.

It was November 22, 2003 when my youngest son’s friend, Scotty, came over to tell us that Tim was in jail for the possession and possible sale of marijuana. He had been in jail for 3 days, he didn’t call us because we always said if you ever get yourself in trouble don’t call us! Needless to say, we drove to Flagstaff that evening and bailed him out of jail at midnight. A year later he had his day in court and was assigned 18 months of probation, 220 hours of community service, and mandatory drug testing through TASK.

After the initial shock of it all, we thought things would get back to “normal.” He was registered in college again, working part time and his probation was his responsibility. Tim was living in a condo we owned and shared it with his brother that was getting his master’s degree. All sounds great, but things are never as they appear to be, what a laugh. I have since learned to look beyond appearances to “what is.” I always thought I knew that, but oh, as a mother we see what we want to see.

Looking back I think the most difficult part of being a mother is that you see all the infinite possibilities for potential in your child that the rest of the world does not readily recognize. It is because of these possibilities that I thought I would, could, should help my youngest son so he could “move forward” with his life.

After two attempts at community service at his grandparent’s church he came home with exciting news one day. Through a friend who had been through a similar experience Tim learned that he could “Make Blankets” to earn his community service hours. He asked his probation officer about this, and she told him “Yes.” So he saved his money and hired the same woman his friend had hired and had his first 10 blankets made.

As always, there was a glitch in the probation system. By the time he turned in his first 20 blankets, the rules had changed. Now it would be required that every person wishing to turn in blankets had to take a sewing test to prove that they alone would actually be Making Blankets.

So on one fine day, after much nagging, months after his 20 hours of service a month had been overlooked by his probation officer (because she was young, cute and attracted to my son), we sat down together at my house to have his first sewing lesson. Well, like I told you he is very smart, a quick study. In fact I told him the story of his great great grandfather who had been a tailor in Armenia, Russia and that sewing was in his bones!

He called me right after the test and said he passed and they were amazed by him!

In the meantime, Tim dropped out of school, got a prescription for marinol so he could pass the drug tests for marijuana and started his own record label. The system is flawed and he figured out every way possible to get around it. Tim was also completely broke now, having lost his other job and trying to start up a record label, which of course we supported because we thought it was the right thing to do for him.

A year had gone by, he still had 200 hours of community service hours to do! His probation officer didn’t seem to mind, but I did. So I broke down, went against my better judgment, went to Wal-Mart and bought $80.00 of flannel material 42 inches wide with matching thread and had enough material to make another 40 blankets. Each time Tim would come home for dinner I would encourage him to Make Blankets with me. Of course I had already cut the material and thread the machine. Tim would sew for about 3 minutes, get nervous with the whole operation and quit. So quietly, very quietly I began Making Blankets.

I always enjoyed sewing and had not sewn anything for years. I am a retired high school teacher and for many years simply did not have the time to sew. The rhythm of the machine humming, the repetitive work of cutting, sewing, trimming and folding had a peacefulness to it. I was enjoying Making Blankets. I made many more trips to Wal-Mart, bought yards more of flannel material, and spent about $400 total. I quietly wrapped them in sets of twenty and stored them under his bed. Each time Tim came home I would give him a stack of blankets to turn in for community hours earned.

I eventually finished making the 100 blankets for the 200 hours of community service. Each time Tim met with his probation officer I would ask him if he turned in his blankets and he would wave me off with a “don’t worry about it she (the probation officer) is really cool.” <>

The eighteen months went by with Tim passing his drug tests because it was ok to test positive for marijuana because he was prescribe marinol. I decided to pay his $2,700 restitution so he could get off probation and get on with his life. Tim was very careful this whole time to never ask me to do any of these things. He would indeed tell me that the only way he was going to learn anything would be to do it himself, but oh no, I couldn’t wait for that-it was making me crazy that my son, yes my beloved son-was listed as a felon and on probation. So, I made sure everything was in order and he was released from probation and the charges were dropped to a misdemeanor.

This made me very happy, but Tim didn’t seem the least bit relieved by the situation. Because I wanted to believe that things were better, I failed to see that he was slowly falling into a prescription drug induced state most of the time. He was no longer in school, he was locked out of the music studio for not paying the rent, he was loafing around the condo most of the time. By now his older brother had moved out and Tim had a series of unsuccessful roommates.

Exactly 1 year after being off of probation, Tim found himself on probation for breaking the windshield and keying a very expensive car while drunk. My eyes finally were open and could not be closed again. I told my husband that we had to move Tim home and take away all privileges. No longer could I justify paying for his cell phone because it would stress me out not to be able to call him. No longer could I justify him not being able to pay the rent at the condo. No longer could I justify paying his car insurance and gas so he could get a job and work.

This could be a really long story filled with my self loathing for being the stupidest mother in America, but I will keep it short-it is a short story after all.

The day we went to the condo to move Tim home, guess what I found wrapped in his closet? I found a stack of 70 blankets that had never been turned in to the probation officer. How did he get off probation? I don’t know. I guess he sweet talked his way out. Since that time another friend of his was on probation, so the 70 blankets were sold to him without my knowing. Of course I never saw the money. I could go off on a tangent and tell you that this friend of his is the son of a prominent political figure whose mother is strung out on prescription drugs too, but that is another short story.

Now to the point of my short story. As I mentioned Tim is on probation again, this time for 2 years. This time he is also being drug tested, but I am no longer paying for a therapist and marinol, and xanax prescriptions. This time his probation officer is serious, so serious that she has visited our home three times already, drug tests him regularly, and made sure he knows he has to be working full time. She makes sure that he attends his mandatory anger management and substance abuse classes. She set him up on monthly payments for his restitution. So luckily for Tim, this time he has a probation officer that cares enough to make him accountable and a mother who learned the hard way that sometimes the best help is no help at all.

I am just grateful that this time he was not assigned any community service. Now all I have to work on is trying to forgive myself, the first probation officer, and Tim for all the mistakes we made the last 3 years. I am just very grateful that the cornerstone of my religious/spiritual belief is Forgiveness. Knowing that intellectually and doing it on a daily basis is the difficult part, but I am trying nonetheless. That is the end of my short story. Maybe one mom will listen.

2008-02-22T09:10:00.000-08:00

Very difficult week. One son fighting a drug addiction and the other blaming "mom" of course for all of the families woes. Real progress takes time, a long time, I am counting on that.

Welcome to "Maternal Lamentations" -- A Site For Mothers To Lament

2008-02-17T16:27:00.000-08:00

"What is that sound high in the air:

Murmur of maternal lamentation"

-T.S. Eliot, "The Waste Land"